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Why Him? Why Her?: How to Find and Keep Lasting Love, by Helen Fisher
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The national bestseller that shows you how a better understanding of who you are will help you find and keep the love you want
Helen Fisher can often tell, almost instantly, the hidden strengths and weaknesses in a relationship that are likely to keep a couple together or pull them apart. The words they choose, their facial structure and body language, even their doodles and where they live give strong clues to their personality type. After three decades of studying romantic relationships, Fisher has discovered that your dominant personality type guides not only who you are but who you love.
Why Him? Why Her? provides a new way to understand relationships, whether you're searching for one or eager to strengthen the one you have. Beginning with a scientifically developed questionnaire to determine your prevailing personality type, Fisher tells you not only what type of person you might have chemistry with but how to find them, attract them, and keep them. Once you know the personality profile of the partner you're with―or hope to find―you can use your knowledge of how your types match up to improve your love life.
More than seven million people in forty countries have learned Fisher's techniques and are using these tools to make and keep lasting romantic connections. Based on proven results, this groundbreaking book goes beyond theory to show that the complex nature of romance isn't so complicated once you truly understand yourself and others. Provocative and illuminating, Fisher's book deserves to be read by everyone looking to be loved for who they really are.
- Sales Rank: #62866 in Books
- Published on: 2010-01-05
- Released on: 2010-01-05
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.24" h x .86" w x 5.52" l, .55 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 320 pages
Review
Praise for Helen Fisher:
"Fascinating.... An original and uniquely contemporary approach to a sensation that, for millennia, has been considered purely emotional." --The Washington Post on "Why We Love"
"A thesis with startling ramifications." --The New York Times Book Review on "Why We Love"
"Delightful to read, offering an abundance of fascinating facts." --The New York Times on "Anatomy of Love"
"Fascinating…. You may already have your dream lover, but you’ll want to read this for the many insights on the science of love."—The Boston Globe
"Why Him? Why Her? examines how brain chemistry determines temperament and temperament dictates whom we love…. [Fisher offers] a giddy, romantic notion, well worth considering."—Los Angeles Times
"In times of upheaval, nothing offers safe harbor like science. That’s where Helen Fisher comes in…. Her research led her inside the biological mechanisms of mate choice."—TIME magazine
"Fascinating.... You may already have your dream lover, but you'll want to read this for the many insights on the science of love."--The Boston Globe
"Why Him? Why Her? examines how brain chemistry determines temperament and temperament dictates whom we love.... [Fisher offers] a giddy, romantic notion, well worth considering."--Los Angeles Times
"In times of upheaval, nothing offers safe harbor like science. That's where Helen Fisher comes in.... Her research led her inside the biological mechanisms of mate choice."--TIME magazine
About the Author
Helen Fisher, PhD, is a research professor of anthropology at Rutgers University, and the bestselling author of four previous books, two of which―The First Sex and Anatomy of Love―were New York Times Notable Books. She is Scientific Adviser to Chemistry.com (a division of Match.com) and lives in New York City.
Excerpt. © Reprinted by permission. All rights reserved.
CHAPTER 1
I am large, I contain multitudes.
—WALT WHITMAN
EAVESDROPPING ON
MOTHER NATURE:
Why Him? Why Her?
“Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter to the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there is no more loneliness for you. But there is one life before you. Go now to your dwelling place, to eat to your days together. And may your days be very long upon this earth.”
The Apache Indians of the American Southwest probably recited this wedding poem for centuries before I heard it in La Jolla, California, in 2006. It was an early June evening, the sky still pink and blue, the sea smells wafting through the windows as I sat in a folding chair on the second story of a fancy Italian restaurant. An older gentleman was conducting a short wedding ceremony, one mixed with rituals from the Christian, Jewish and Apache traditions. And before me glowed the two celebrants, Patrick and Suzanne—one of the first couples to marry after meeting on the Internet dating site I had helped to design, Chemistry.com.
Patrick had been a journalist in New Orleans until he lost his job, his home and all of his belongings to Hurricane Katrina in 2005. West he went, taking up residence with relatives in Los Angeles in February 2006. Days after settling in, he joined Chemistry.com and received his first recommended match: Suzanne, a lawyer living in La Jolla. That first night they talked for three hours on the phone. They met the following weekend and fell passionately in love.
So on a balmy evening during an April vacation together in Paris, Patrick took her to the top of the Eiffel Tower and proposed. The dazzled young woman grinned her “yes.” So here I sat at a fancy Italian restaurant in La Jolla, surrounded by some fifty of their friends and relatives on this festive wedding eve.
I like being around people who are in love. They have a contagious energy. This force was palpable in the groom, the first to arrive for the nuptials. He burst into the room, filling it with his vivacious charm. Although we had never met, he greeted me warmly. We instantly struck up a conversation about the evolution of the English language, his experience as a journalist in some dangerous parts of Asia and some of my past work on the brain chemistry of romantic love.
Others soon arrived, and we took our places on the folding chairs facing a small bar strewn with lilies. Last came the bride. I was stunned when saw her—a tiny, perfectly formed, porcelain-like doll, with huge blue eyes and long auburn hair in soft ringlets wreathed in forget-me-nots. Like the mythological Helen, Suzanne had a face that could launch a thousand ships. And her vigor matched his. She was enraptured by her prince, gazing at him and grinning with uncontainable effervescence as she said “I do.”
Someone played a flute. The Apache poem was read. And as the bride and groom walked down the makeshift aisle between our seats, we blew bubbles at them from the little bottles left on our chairs. Then came the feast: platters of Cavatelli Marinara, Antipasto Rustico, mussels, sausages, Chicken Fra Diavolo—a host of Italian favorites appeared at every table amid the balloons, confetti and champagne as the disc jockey blasted out old tunes and we wildly danced. Patrick and Suzanne swirled among us, radiating joy.
“Love hopes all things,” the Bible says. I hoped for Patrick and Suzanne. But I also had a reason to be optimistic about their marriage. I knew some things about their personalities because both had taken my personality test, a series of questions I had devised to establish some basic things about a person’s biological temperament. Both had told me their test results. And from these data, I was confident that Patrick’s particular chemical profile would complement Suzanne’s, creating a biological and psychological cocktail that would keep them captivated with each other for years.
Temperament and Love
We have many inborn tendencies. Indeed, scientists now believe some 50 percent of the variations in human personality are associated with genetic factors. We inherit much of the fabric of our mind.
But what is personality?
Psychologists define it as that distinct cluster of thoughts and feelings that color all of a person’s actions.
Your personality is more than just your biology, of course. Personality is composed of two fundamentally different types of traits: those of character and those of temperament.
Your character traits stem from your experiences. Your childhood games; your parents’ interests and values; how people in your community express love and hate; what relatives and friends regard as polite, dangerous or exciting; how they worship; what they sing; when they laugh; what they do to make a living and relax—these and innumerable other cultural forces combine to build your unique set of character traits.
The balance of your personality is your temperament, all of the biologically based tendencies you have inherited, traits that emerge in early childhood to produce your consistent patterns of feeling, thinking and behaving. As the Spanish philosopher José Ortega y Gasset put it, “I am, plus my circumstances.” Temperament is the “I am,” the foundation of who you are. Curiosity; creativity; novelty seeking; compassion; cautiousness; competitiveness: to some degree, you inherit these and many other aspects of your disposition.
It is this part of the human spirit I had examined in Patrick and Suzanne—their biological temperament.
Born “Me”
No one knows precisely how many traits of temperament we human beings inherit. But studies of identical twins suggest we inherit many. Take the “giggle twins,” as they were called by staff members of the Minnesota Twin Study in the 1970s because these women would erupt with peals of laughter at the slightest jest or odd turn of phrase.
Daphne and Barbara were born to an unmarried Finnish student living in England in 1939. Barbara was adopted by an English groundskeeper who worked in a public park, while Daphne grew up in the home of a wealthy metallurgist. Yet when they first came together again at age thirty-nine as part of the Minnesota Twin Study, which focused on identical twins reared apart, both loved good pranks and both had giggled all their lives. Both regularly sat on their hands to keep from nervously gesticulating. Both had dyed their hair auburn. Both were effusively energetic. Both hated math and sports. Both avoided commercial television. Both preferred the color blue. Both were unwilling to give any political opinions. And both had met their husbands at age sixteen at a town hall dance and married in the autumn. Their IQ scores were nearly identical, too, despite Daphne’s expensive education and Barbara’s far more modest schooling.
Coincidence?
Psychologist Thomas Bouchard, director of the Minnesota Twin Study, unearthed so many stories like this one that in the 1980s he proposed that dozens of personality traits have a degree of heritability. Among those with the strongest genetic links, he reported, were traditionalism, the willingness to capitulate to authority, aggressiveness, the drive to lead and the appetite for attention. As he wrote in 1984, “Both the twin studies and the adoption studies converge on the surprising finding that common family environmental influences play only a minor role in the determination of personality.”
In recent decades human behavior geneticists have added substantially to this list of traits linked with our DNA. More important to this book, scientists now know that groups of interacting genes influence behavior, even act together to create behavior syndromes. For example, if you have a biological appetite to seek novelty, you are also likely to be energetic, spontaneous, risk taking, curious and creative. If you are predisposed to be traditional instead, you are also likely to be loyal, cautious, respectful of authority and eager to make plans and follow schedules. We express constellations of related biological traits,1 creating what are commonly called personality types.2
In fact, after doing extensive research on the biological underpinnings of personality types, I have come to believe that each of us expresses a unique mix of four broad basic personality types. Moreover, our primary personality type steers us toward specific romantic partners. Our biological nature whispers constantly within us to influence who we love.
These thoughts and more were swimming through my mind as I blew those bubbles at Patrick and Suzanne on that enchanting wedding evening. I thought both had found their soul mate.
Who are you? Why are we naturally attracted to particular mates? My investigation of these mysteries started over the Christmas holiday in 2004.
Match.com
“Why do you fall in love with one person rather than another?” This is what the executive team at Match.com wanted to know when I met with them two days after Christmas 2004 in New York City. Match.com is the world’s largest Internet dating site. And I had been invited to spend the day with them, thinking. Midmorning, they asked me this fundamental question.
“No one really knows,” I responded.
Psychologists have determined that men and women tend to fall in love with individuals from the same ethnic and socioeconomic background; with those of a similar level of intelligence, education and physical attractiveness; with individuals holding similar religious, political and social values; and with those who have a similar sense of humor. We also fall in love when the timing is right; and often with someone who lives or works nearby. Your childhood plays a huge role in your romantic choices, although no reliable patterns have ever been established. We tend to fall in love with someone who provides us with the things we need. And people often fall in love with those who are in love with them.
But, ...
Most helpful customer reviews
111 of 117 people found the following review helpful.
Why do relationships work?
By J. Grattan
Is it legitimate to put forth yet another work on personality types? After all, there are the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator and the Keirsey Temperaments takes on personality. However, perhaps those formulations did not sink in given the ongoing precarious state of relationships. In this book, the author has constructed a credible model of personality, even if similar to others, which is related to brain chemistry, though that may be the most controversial aspect of her model. Much of the author's supporting data for her model comes from her work with dating services based on responses from thousands.
She defines four basic personality temperaments or traits that exist in all individuals with one being dominate and another secondary. Characteristic of Explorers is tendencies for novelty, enthusiasm, risk-taking, spontaneity, irreverence, adventure, etc. Dopamine is associated with Explorers. Builders are conventional, calm, moral, rule-based, respectful of authority, somewhat cautious, loyal, etc. Serotonin is the chemical that is most closely associated with Builders. Directors are analytical, logical, self-controlled, independent, somewhat competitive, decisive, etc. Testosterone dominates in Directors. Negotiators are very social, intuitive, sympathetic, idealistic, tolerant, agreeable, etc. The author claims that it is estrogen that enables both men and women to have enhanced holistic thinking capability. There seems to be no assertions that one personality is better than another or that such personalities are associated with levels of intelligence.
The author strongly suggests that, if accurately assessed, that these four traits go a long ways toward predicting both attraction and aversion. In a study involving 28,000 members of a dating service, in choosing whom to meet for a first date, at a substantial statistically significant level, both Explorers and Builders seek each other, while Directors of either gender seek Negotiators and vice versa. Attractions to other types pale by comparison. Most of the book is devoted to exploring the dynamics of those attractions. The author does warn of problems when people adhere too strictly to their dominant personality type. Interestingly, the author connects temperaments to the type of love sought. Explorers seek playmates; Builders seek helpmates, or pragmatic love; Directors seek mind-mates, or lovers of ideas; while Negotiators seek a soul mate, one with whom they can connect spiritually.
The author is the first to admit that many factors other than these traits go into finding the right partner. Such bodily characteristics as beauty, shape, height, muscularity, voice, movement, and the like are highly important, as are values and ideals. Conversational abilities and self-confidence are not to be ignored. The author discusses the theory that coupledom involves the idea of completion, or finding in the other the solution to personal shortcomings.
There seems to be the assumption that most of this - assessing personality and characteristics - is fairly straightforward, or at least there is no indication otherwise. One strongly suspects that is not the case. Why do so many of us get it wrong in mate selection. The author speaks of proximity, such as the workplace, as being conducive to finding mates, which certainly gives longish times to assess compatibility. But for many there are not such opportunities. To be a successful player in the mating game seems to require sufficient maturity, experience, and knowledge of much of what the author discusses which can be brought to bear rather quickly and competently for the opportunity at hand - not so easy one would think.
The book is interesting and easily read. It does tend to be a bit redundant. Thankfully, it tends to be general and does not force the reader to be involved with endless examples of couples. It is a most credible effort in attempting to understand what makes for good relationships. In addition, the author provides a fairly short personality test to determine one's relative tendencies towards being an Explorer, Builder, Director, or Negotiator.
88 of 96 people found the following review helpful.
From a happily married 54 year old man...So why did I buy this book?
By claude whitacre
I decided to buy the book after seeing Helen Fisher on the Colbert Report. She handled herself well, and gave several intelligent teases to create desire for the book.I'm married, very happily, and thought the book would have some transferable ideas to marketing (my vocation).
Other reviews cover the material in the book.
Let me say first that the backbone of her research has been done before. There are 4 personality types. They have been called many things by different authors. The reason I don't mind that is that the author acknowledges the fact, and provides the source material. She then ties the personality types with brain chemistry, and does it convincingly. I haven't seen that before.
Sure, she mentions her work with two online dating services. But it's part of the story, and to omit that would cheat the reader. Any author worth their salt would mention the work they have done in the past. In fact, her work for these companies is the basis of much of her research.
She includes quotations from philosophers, businesspeople, even Einstein.
These quotations add to the reading by showing what type(personality type, that is) of person thinks in what way.
She includes personal stories that, if they were missing, would make this a harder read.
Some of what she says has been covered before...but there isn't a book written that covers JUST new material. The way I see it, for $20 you got a few hours of intelligent introspection into what makes you the way you are...how others perceive you...and what others will be attracted (and repelled) in you. Certainly worth the price.
By the way, I'm 100% Director, married to a near 100% Negotiator. According to the book, we're a perfect match. And we are.
added 3/04/09 I noticed that most of the bad reviews are for the CD. I read the book. It must be a different experience.
30 of 31 people found the following review helpful.
Fascinating Reading
By KadyOne
As a seasoned online relationship seeker (with mixed results), I decided to take another approach. I believe there is definitely some science as well as art, luck, and good timing, to finding compatibility. Since I always want to know "why," I thoroughly enjoyed this book and recommend to anyone who's serious about developing a relationship that stands a chance of lasting more than a few weeks or months. You may not find what you are looking for, but at least you'll have a much better idea of what you "should" be looking for in the first place!
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